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Six of Swords

The second time is the hardest. No, not the first. The first time I just drowned and surrendered. But the second time I drowned deliberately.

Can you imagine how hard it is—struggling for death? Or, well, at least what your body considers death? Every inhale, every water intake, every spasm, every desperate heartbeat. All my being resisted this journey. But I had to hurry—I was awaited.

They found me on the shore—10 kilometers from the place I drowned at. I had an innocent smile on my face. My lungs had not a gram of water in them. My skin didn’t swell. My blood was within norm. Did I even drown? I can’t tell anymore.

I can only remember—

I looked for those like me. Among the suicidals. Among the divers. Among the MIA. Among the stranded. Didn’t find any.

But I recall now. His voice. His distraught tone. This deep guttural sea of speech. “No! No! No!—I don’t want to be here!” I can’t recall anything else.

Everything happening there is erased from my memory just the moment I find myself awake on the shores. But I know that I must be there. My place is there. This voice. This light. He’s waiting for me. He needs me.

Especially now that he’s gone. It’s been two weeks since the silence surrounded me there. The air felt sharper and colder. The aroma suddenly had a bit of tar in it. The sound was eerily frightening.

I know all the quiet hours. I buy sedatives to stop resisting the water flowing in. I only wear wrinkle-resistant clothing. I cannot talk about anything but “there” and my experiments. Well, I cannot talk about that with anyone. So I just stay silent and isolate.

More than once now, I ended up in emergency care. People finding me thinking my immobile body for drowned.

This series of questions again. Vitals check. Surprises. Invites for a repeat visit. The one I won’t do.

And the scream—

No, I don’t want to be here!

CC-BY 4.0 2022-2026 by Artyom Bologov (aartaka,) with one commit remixing Claude-generated code. Any and all opinions listed here are my own and not representative of my employers; future, past and present.